The Genuineness Trap: Why Judging Others Is the Surest Way to Lose Yourself

You can never know if another person is genuine.

You can only know if you are.

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The Unanswerable Question We Should Avoid Asking

We spend our lives trying to determine whether others are genuine.

Is he sincere? Is she authentic? Does he mean what he says? Can I trust her?

I was amongst those few who pride themselves for being able to pick a diamond from among stones.

With experience however I realized that it was my perspective that colored my judgement and assessment.

In fact as I put others under scrutiny it was my character that was at stake.

Why you might ask?

Bear with me. You too might start to agree with me :)

The question of genuineness is not a tool of wisdom. It is a trap. It is the mind convincing itself that it can know what it can never know. It is the ego building a fortress on sand and calling it security.

You cannot see into another person's heart. You cannot measure their intention. You cannot weigh their motive on any scale. What you call genuineness is not a fact you have discovered. It is a story you have constructed. And you will defend that story until it destroys you.

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The Fear Beneath the Question

Why do we ask if someone is genuine?

We ask because we are afraid.

Afraid of loss. Afraid of being deceived. Afraid that we have placed our trust in the wrong place and will pay the price for our error.

The question of genuineness is never about the other person. It is always about our own insecurity. We do not ask because we are wise. We ask because we are scared. We want a guarantee. We want certainty. We want to know that we will not be hurt.

But no such guarantee exists. And the search for it is the very thing that keeps us bound.

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The Strategy in Every Interaction

Every interaction is a transaction. Every transaction requires a strategy.

This is not a cynical statement. It is an observation. It is a fact of human life.

One salesman tries hard to sell an expensive product. That is his strategy. And you perceive that transaction as not genuine.

Yet when another salesman tells you not to buy the expensive product, he is not being selfless. He too is being strategic. He has understood something about human nature. He knows that the one who is told "you do not need this" often wants it more. He knows that the appearance of restraint is more persuasive than the appearance of eagerness.

And yet what he says may be true. The cheaper product may indeed be sufficient. The expensive one may indeed offer only marginal benefit. The strategy and the truth are not in conflict. They coexist.

The wise person looks at the content. The wise person asks: is what he is saying accurate? Does it serve my purpose? Does it align with what I need?

I saw this scenario unfold before my very eyes. My aunt fell for it and purchased the expensive dish washing liquid even as the salesman had told her that the cheaper one was as good. His skill lay in his wording. He displayed two bottles side by side but handed over a cheaper looking one to her.

"Do not bother buying the expensive one. Yes, it does have better smell and packaging. But this cheaper one is good enough for you."

Regardless of whether or not he was genuine, she fell into a trap. She felt he was genuine.

Perhaps he never intended to trick her.

Perhaps.

If I had felt he was genuine, I would have opted for the cheaper product. And if I had felt he was not, I would have opted for the cheaper product.

So you see, genuineness has nothing to do with our choice. We need to be intelligent enough to analyze and decide how to act rather than basing our actions on the perception of someone else's fidelity, trustworthiness, or genuineness.

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The Farmer and the Honey

A farmer placed beehives on his land.

He believed his farm was organic. He believed his honey was pure. He sold it as organic honey. He had no reason to doubt. He had no reason to deceive.

One of his close associates decided to test the honey. With certification they could explore bigger markets he thought.

The result was unexpected. The honey contained pesticides.

How could this be?

The bees were on an organic farm. What could go wrong?

Everything.

The bees know no boundaries. They travel far and wide in search of nectar. The farms around the organic farm used pesticides. The bees carried the pesticides back to the hive. The honey was tainted.

The farmer had been genuine within his limitations. He had been genuine to the best of his knowledge. And yet he had failed in a simple test of purity.

This is the trap.

The farmer trusted his bees.

His customers trusted the farmer's genuineness.

None cared to test the honey. They relied on perception. And the perception was accurate. The farmer was genuine.

But the honey was still impure.

The associate learned something. The farmer learned something.

The farmer did not dismantle the hives. He let them stay. He understood that the problem was not in the bees. The problem was in the system. The problem was in the boundaries he could not control.

He stopped selling honey.

This is not a failure. This is discernment. This is the recognition that genuineness, however sincere, is not enough. You need not necessarily test the content, but you can look deeper, observe, reason and arrive at your conclusion. In doing so you not only escape the genuineness trap, you end up helping those who are genuinely genuine.

The farmer remained genuine. He simply stopped making claims he could not verify. He stopped selling what he could not guarantee.

The salesman teaches us that genuineness can be performed.

The farmer teaches us that genuineness can be sincere and still fail.

The lesson from both is the same. Look at the content. Read, study and take responsibility for the decision you take. Do not place the burden on someone else's shoulder after tagging them as genuine.

In fact the ones hit hardest by this approach are the ones who tried to be genuine but failed because we put all the responsibility on their shoulder.

The farmer succeeded and stayed genuine, because someone who cared to probe deeper helped the farmer realize something he was unaware of.

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The Lesson of Dronacharya

Dronacharya was the greatest teacher of his age. He taught his archers that mastery required looking past every distraction until only the eye of the bird remained.

Yet on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, the master fell victim to the very discernment he lacked.

When the cry went out that his son was dead, Drona did not investigate the battlefield. He did not evaluate the strategic context of the war. He did not maintain his focus on his overarching duty. Instead, he turned to Yudhishthira, a man renowned for unbending honesty. Because Drona believed Yudhishthira was incapable of deception, he accepted the words blindly, dropped his bow, and was destroyed.

He did not fall to an arrow. He fell to his absolute reliance on someone else's perceived genuineness.

The one who wagers their duty on whether the outside world is pure will always be destroyed by that world. The master who taught Arjuna to see through illusions could not see through his own need for a guarantee.

Drona could teach focus. He could teach his students to see only the eye of the bird. But he could not apply his own lesson. He could not see the whole. He could only see his son. And that is why he fell.

The teacher who could not live what he taught.

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The Job Seeker and the Businessman

A job seeker asks what they can get.

A businessman asks what they can give.

These are not just economic categories. They are orientations of the soul. They are ways of being in the world that shape everything you see and everything you do.

The job seeker worries about returns. The job seeker asks: what is in it for me? Will I be paid? Will I be recognized? Will I be secure?

The businessman worries about contribution. The businessman asks: how can I pay my people? How can I serve my customers? How can I generate value for others?

The job seeker needs the world to be genuine. The job seeker needs to know that the person across the table is not deceiving them. The job seeker lives in fear of being cheated.

The businessman needs only to be genuine himself. The businessman does not worry about whether others are sincere. The businessman looks at the content. The businessman asks: does this deal make sense? Does this strategy work? Does this person deliver what they promise?

The job seeker is paralyzed by the question of genuineness. The businessman is liberated by it.

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The Two Kinds of Trust

There are two kinds of trust.

The first is trust in the genuineness of another person. This trust is fragile. It depends on the other person being who you think they are. It can be shattered by a single revelation. It is not trust at all. It is hope dressed as certainty.

The second is trust in your own discernment. This trust is unshakeable. It does not depend on the other person. It depends on your own clarity. It says: I will look at the content. I will assess the strategy. I will decide based on what is said and done, not on what I imagine to be the motive.

The first kind of trust is a cage. The second kind is a foundation.

The genuineness trap is the belief that you need the first kind of trust. You do not. You only need the second.

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The Only Question That Matters

Are you genuine?

Not in your words. Not in your actions. In the unity of your mind, your speech, and your deeds.

If you are genuine, everything falls into place. If you are trying to act genuine, nothing will.

The world will always reflect your own state back to you. If you are at peace, the world is at peace. If you are in conflict, the world is in conflict. If you are genuine, you will attract what is genuine. If you are pretending, you will attract what is pretending.

Change the state. The world changes.

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The Mirror and the Fraud

The question is not whether the world is genuine.

The question is whether you are.

And the answer to that question is the only answer that has ever mattered.

The one who looks outside for genuineness will always be disappointed. The one who looks inside will always find it.

The world is a mirror. What you see in it is what you carry within you.

If you want to know what you are, look at what you attract. Look at what you fear. Look at what you defend.

The genuineness you seek in others is the genuineness you must first find in yourself.

And when you find it, you will no longer need to ask the question.

Because you will know.

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What are you seeking in others that you have not yet found in yourself?

And why are you still looking outside?